My Naked Existence

About this blog

2010-10-21T16:11:00.010+08:00

Wow. If this blog could only collect dust and cobwebs due to stagnation, I would have a hard time cleaning the whole mess up before I could write. Good thing that's not the case here! :D

I've been busy, or I'd like to think I've been busy, between work, my parents' 24th anniversary, and Noli. Oh! And eating and sleeping and watching movies, too :P

The thing is, I've stopped writing. Deliberately. Even if I wanted to write something so bad, I would force myself to not open the laptop that's right beside me everytime I go to bed.

I stopped writing because I'm a coward and I can't express what's really running on my mind without the fear of hurting someone--anyone--who might stumble across my blog. I loved writing when my emotions are so intense but right now, I think I'd rather keep those intense feelings to myself or to those I'm intimate with. I'm afraid that when I write here, say, when I'm mad or sad, I'd only nurture the feelings instead of the other way around. Or when I want to express my thoughts about a particular person, I'm afraid it will be interpreted in an entirely different way than how I intended.

So there. I think this is why I tried so many times and failed to write consistently. Because I can't completely let myself out. There'll still always be these pent up feelings that I would still want to express but hopefully, anonymously.

Moth

2010-10-09T13:18:00.003+08:00

A moth, a naive moth
Drawn by your light
Entranced by your glimmer
Still, she tried to hold tight

You were different
Perhaps in her eyes something new
She's mesmerized by your wisdom
Enamored by "you"

Enchanted by your heat
Amidst this damp, cold night
So even though it would break her
She took the risk, she took the flight

Listless, this moth became
Her resolve began to waver
So her grip, she let go
Slowly, she embraced you, Danger.

This is the poem I wrote back when Noli and I were going out for quite some time already but were not yet really together. Sometimes I still find it strange that we're already together.

home a little early on a weekend =)

2010-10-08T22:16:00.005+08:00

I just had one of the most painful waxing sessions with my youngest sister earlier! I don't know when or how her waxing skills got down the drain but I'm just pleased that my underarms look a whole lot better now

I was starving when she was waxing my underarms already but I had to shut down the hunger since I also had to wax hers in return (one of the many benefits of having sisters!). The wait is all worth it though. I stuffed myself with Mama's pancit, my favorite in the whole wide world. Just when I thought I had it, my sister told me there's an ice cream in the freezer and it's strawberry What happened next, I'm leaving to your imagination

To end the night is this blog entry. haha. I wish the car's available tomorrow but if it's not, it's okay I'm off to bed now since I have to start the day really early on the morrow.

P.S.
God, please use your healing hands to take away my sister's toothache. Thank you in advance!

How bad is it when you feel bad about feeling bad?

2010-10-06T16:31:00.017+08:00

You got my question?

Really, how bad is it when you feel bad about feeling bad? Or, is it even bad to feel bad about feeling bad?

I hope you're not baffled yet, dear reader. I'm in an awful state of confusion right now so expect this entry to be perplexing. Now if you can't bear that, click exit and leave. Now.

Sometimes I ask God why He made me the extremely sensitive person that I am. Small stuff that some people say or do become magnified with my
most-of-the-time unreasonable paranoia. Or I ask Him why He made my tear glands extra active when I feel happy, sad, or mad (funny how these different feelings can evoke the same responses from almost everyone's tear glands, right? ).

I ask Him in times like last Tuesday. It was World Teachers' Day and we had this event at school. Our office had this steel truss stands where students wrote their messages to their teachers and have their pictures taken using the faces in the tarps with peep-through holes. I and my officemate, Ivan, were to oversee the installation of these stands a the venue. We encountered some problems with the location so we had to ask the very kind housekeepers to disassemble what they have just installed. Yep, they had to start again because of some orders from higher ups. With that, I take the blame since the 9x9 ft stand will really block the traffic at the gym a little. So despite my shame, I asked the kuyas to move them.

While we were already inside and the installation almost done, The Administrator arrived. Now let me give you a little background about The Administrator. He's known to be annoying for so many staff which is ironic because he is a Religious Education teacher. I had one friend who used to work for him tell stories about how he could be such a pain sometimes. Going back to The Administrator, he arrived and started to sniff.
"*sniff, sniff* Ano yung nangangamoy?"
"Baka po yung tarp?"
"Ay hindi yan pwede ikabit, magagalit si Brother."
"Eh sir hindi naman po maamoy eh"
(Lumapit yung guard. Inamoy yung tarp)
"Ay sir, ito nga po yun sir, nangangamoy nga" (I could almost see him kissing The Administrator's behind. ugh.)
"Sir, I don't think Brother will even smell that because that will be put up under the basketball ring and Brother always sits in front," I reasoned.
"Ay hindi pwede, hindi talaga pwede."

Now that got me. I just went outside for a while trying to contact our head but to no avail. And when I saw a secretary, the tears just automatically flowed down.
"Ate Dina, pinapatanggal ni Sir yung tarp"

To make it short, the dean of one of the colleges had to smell the tarp to check if the smell was really coming from it. And as expected, it didn't. The smell came from the sound systems blah blah. So after a few tears and a rudolf-the-red-nose-reindeer nose, we had it installed. Yay to that

My officemate told me it was obvious that I cried and that he could tell even from afar how irritated I was. I didn't mean it to be like that, I swear. It's just that I didn't want to get mad. I was trying to be as patient as I could muster but it didn't work I guess. I kept thinking that time that The Administrator was just trying to do his job (though in an exaggerated way at times) but still, I can't help but be pissed.

Another reason why I felt bad that I felt bad is because I was so sensitive again with Noli yesterday. While at the food square, I was telling the story about what happened with The Administrator (because he was on leave the day it happened). While I was talking, I noticed he kept looking at the passers-by. I was irritated again all right. And I stopped the story and almost left him there to eat on his own if only he didn't ask me if I think it would be better for me to leave him there.
Good thing though that we made up before lunch break came to an end.

Now do you understand why I feel bad about feeling bad? Because I feel sad so easily in situations that someone who's stronger than I am would be able to deal with without the kind of fuss that I go through. And how I always wish--and try--to be like that, someone who can still sweetly smile even when things get out of hand. Yes, I could laugh at those things right after I shed some tears, but can't it be that I don't have to cry anymore? Like my outlet won't be puffy-eye causing crying?

(If you've gone this far, wow, how patient of you. I could perfectly understand how bored you already are with all this ranting. But thanks if you did reach this part of the entry )

So yesterday(s)

2010-10-04T19:02:00.008+08:00

Noli's not here at work today because he's not feeling well. And I feel bad about it, but I did see it coming. With the amount of sleep, or lack thereof, that he gets since this school year started, I was actually surprised that it took him this long to go catch his breath and rest.

With work and some little time together out of work, he often arrives home late. And in the morning, he has to wake up before his father's roosters in their backyard would even start crow. He sleeps less than six hours every night while I get to sleep more than the required 8. And guess what? In times that we go out, I'd be sleeping on his shoulder while he's wide awake the whole ride.

So I must be happy that he gets to relax at home at last, right? But I feel restless. I miss him so bad that I'm itching to go there. SMS and phone calls are just not enough.

I think that's bad. That's just bad.
Remember the saying about money? Like the more you have, the more you'll want for more (not in verbatim, okay)? What's clearly wrong with me is I'm like that. The more time I spend with him, the more I crave for his presence when we're not together, even if for just a day. I guess I've become that dependent.

And it scares me.

Surprise, surprise

2010-10-01T19:34:00.004+08:00

I just had one of the most pleasant surprises in my life yesterday.
After losing it for more than a year, I got Noli's poem compilations back! I just can't believe it's with him now. He's treasured that for as long as I can imagine but I lost it some time last year together with my book.

Losing things is just so like me. But to lose something as important as that to him? Unforgivable. But he was so sweet that he didn't even get mad at me. He said he feels sad at times when he thinks about it but just that. He even told me that what's important is that I'm still with him and that he'd never lose me.

Still, I felt bad. It's not like I didn't do my part, you know?
I looked for the notebooks at the lost and found of La Salle last year but to no avail. Feeling so guilty, I went my way posting at various bulletin boards at the University if they found that notebook. Well, I got a response. Saying only that I shouldn't post something like that in their bulletin board. Blah.

So yesterday, I was about to have some forms signed when I passed by
Ate Ruby's office and she called me.

"Uy, Rhoda halika nga dito. May ibibigay ako sa'yo. Naalala kita eh kapag binabasa ko 'to"
"Ano po yun, Ate Ruby?"
"Ito oh"

And then she handed me the book which was about to be sold for Php20 (they sell lost items which remain unclaimed for more than a year).
I was like, "This is my book! Where did you get this? From SWAFO*? It has a notebook with this!"
I was half-shouting there and I didn't care. Ate Ruby went with me inside their office where more notebooks are stored in boxes, about to be sold. I described the book and told her those notebooks have poems. And she did confirm they even read what's inside. Ralph, her SA and my former student, arrived and said that they indeed were reading it. They even helped me rummage through the piles (thanks again :D).

I was so giddy I know it was scandalous. One of the directors even said, "Akala ko ano na nangyayari eh :)" I kept thanking Ate Ruby. She said that even if I didn't pass by that time, she would still give me the book that reminds her of me. Isn't that just rad?

And Noli was surprised himself :) I'm just so happy, happy, happy!

Another suprise this afternoon, Papa got his Mazda 3 back after more than a month of being confined in that worse-than-a-public hospital Mazda Makati. After tons of phone calls and loads of patience when dealing with insurance and Mazda people, we had our car back! Just in time before Papa flies to Germany on 17 ( a day short before their wedding anniversary :( )

I'm still so giddy, ecstatic even :)
I miss Noli, though, since I didn't go to work today. Good thing I'll see him tomorrow, can't wait! And can't wait for his exam on Sunday at my alma mater as well :)

Thank you so much, Father, for all these blessings. You really work in ways I can't imagine :)

Photo source
SWAFO-Students Welfare and Formation Office

Isn't he the sweetest?

2010-09-28T23:08:00.010+08:00

He showed up at my corner with that delicate white flower in hand...

Since we kind of had a small argument last night, we started the day a little less sweeter than usual. Yes, we apologized to each other last night but only through sms and yes, we did eat lunch together but unlike the usual, there's this slight air of awkwardness. Even our few IP messages (which, again, is unsual) were kind of blah.

I tried to keep under his feet by forcing myself to avoid texting too much or sending IP messages. The day dragged on and I thought it would end that way.

And then he came to my (messy) corner with that small white flower in hand a few minutes before we get out of work. The look on his face while holding the delicate thing is just priceless.

Priceless.

Yes, he's given me boquets of flowers before-red, white, different colors- but so far, this one touched me the most despite the fact that he just picked it up somewhere in front of one of the college buildings at where we work.

Right then and there, I felt like my day was just starting.
He then went with me and my officemates at an ukay-ukay store in Imus (where Ms. Agnes bought a red trench coat for only Php50!) and ate street foods at the plaza there afterwards (which must be why my stomach is feeling odd right now that I think I have to rush to the CR right after I click publish :D). Poring over endless racks of clothes is definitely not his thing yet he went with us. He went with us despite the fact that his ride home would mean an hour or two at the road. He went with us even if he still has to wake up before 4 in the morning tomorrow for his 7am schedule.

I just thank God for a safe trip home :)
Now that we're apart again, I feel like I haven't seen him in a month of Sundays already...and I justcan't wait for tomorrow :)

Hear ye!

2010-09-27T22:04:00.003+08:00

I'm back!
Yeah, I know. You can now roll your eyes and say "Again?"

I've tried so many times to be consistent with blogging, and many times, I failed.
But this time, I want it--I need it--to be different. I want to write here most of the time, if not everyday.

When I decided to visit this blog again and at least try to renovate it, I had so many things in mind I wanted to write, I wanted to share with you. But here I am again, babbling with no real point in mind. I'd love to blame it on the lack of oxygen (yeah, I keep yawning now) but I know it's just me and this block that's been there for since i-don't-know-when.

At least this is a start, not a good one, but still a start, right? Right :P
I have to be up early tomorrow so I better hit the sack or I'll look like a walking zombie tomorrow.

Photo source

=)

2009-12-09T16:22:00.000+08:00

How could you spend time with someone almost everyday and still miss him in those few hours that you're apart?

Could never get enough of him I guess :)

mistakes...?

2009-09-12T16:37:00.000+08:00

Isn't it confusing when something happened, and you're certain it should confuse you and it doesn't. No confusion at all.

And it makes it more confusing.

scream

2009-07-07T09:14:00.000+08:00

I'm in a wreck.
A total wreck.
Would you mind helping me clean up my mess?

Light

2009-06-01T11:31:00.000+08:00

He ruffled my hair..and it all came rushing back :(

questions, questions

2009-05-29T00:23:00.000+08:00

A month has passed and the question of what and how it happened still haunts me. I just can't ask yet the one who knows, scared that I'd be bringing up memories he'd rather not think of for now.

random thought

2009-05-27T20:48:00.000+08:00

I've forgotten how it feels to not hold back anything, not hold back anything at all.

Still

2009-05-10T04:34:00.000+08:00

You didn't know someone you only met twice and whose life you only heard from someone else's stories could affect you this much. No you didn't see it coming. That his going away would cause you this much sadness. You didn't have a clue that after what happened, the mere thought of his innocent eyes would cause yours to water. Now you have no choice but to make do with those pixels.

Under repair

2009-04-30T09:07:00.000+08:00

He's still alive.
So alive.

God, I'm in dire need of distractions.

SOS

2009-04-28T05:15:00.000+08:00

When can I ~~write~~ really write again?

reap-air

2009-04-18T09:09:00.000+08:00

When will I forget that I live in a rule-plagued world?
Or will I ever?

Pwede magpa-reformat?

2009-04-14T22:49:00.000+08:00

Nakakapagod mag-isip, nakakapagod na mag-alala, at nakakapagod na magtanong ng mga bagay na alam ko naman ang sagot pero ayaw ko lang aminin sa sarili ko na yun naman talaga ang sagot. Sagot sa tanong na hindi ko naman talaga dapat tinatanong.

Itong utak ko kasi eh. Parang lagi na sa maximum speed ang pag-gana kapag hindi dapat mag-isip. Tipong kapag naglalakad ako, nakakakita nga ako pero hindi ko naman talaga naiintindihan ung message na pinapadala ng optic nerves ko sa utak. Madalas nga kilala ko na pala yung nakikita ko, di ko pa agad napapansin. Parang late reaction. Siguro dahil sa sobrang dami ng tumatakbo sa utak ko, minsan medyo di na ma-accommodate agad yung nap-perceive ng mata ko. Ang nakaka-badtrip pa, kapag kailangan ko mag-isip dahil may bagay na dapat pag-isipan talaga ng todo, dun naman nagh-hang 'tong utak ko. As in nagiging mas mabagal pa sa PC ko sa office. Parang nang-aasar na kapag kailangan paganahin, dun ayaw. At kapag gusto ko naman magpahinga, dun naman in working mode.

Ewan ko ba ano na 'tong pinagsasabi ko dito. haha. As in babble lang talaga 'to. Baka lang sakaling makatulong magpatulog sakin.

April 8, 11:20 am

2009-04-08T11:07:00.000+08:00

I thought I found that someone
Someone who'll do me no harm
I found out a little too late
It's nothing but false alarm

I'm caught in this trap
This blackhole that is my doing
Now i feel like crap
As my mind keeps on wandering.

-gusto ko na mawala antok ko :D

ambulance, anyone?

2009-03-13T13:56:00.000+08:00

I think I think too much. I believe I think too much. I think too much.

And it’s bugging me that my head is always filled with thoughts I shouldn’t be thinking of. Filled with the noise that I could barely manage. When will I walk the street that my mind is at peace, serene? When I close my eyes the noise grow louder and the images more vivid. When I try to distract myself, it’s like my thoughts plague me more, pushing their way to the surface and saying to my face that I can’t escape them. It's crazy and it's driving me crazy.

I want to run away. Literally.

Behind bars.

2009-03-13T13:39:00.000+08:00

Come join me in my secret garden
Where my roses bloom so red
Where the tweet of the birds is my music
As I dance, washing the noise in my head.

Come join me in my secret garden
Dance with me under the rain
Forget the world around us
Numb ourselves from all the pain.

Come join me in my secret garden
Just lie with me on the grass
We’ll tell each other stories
And see through each other’s glass.

Come join me in my secret garden
Where I cry myself to sleep
Where the only thing that matters
Is I have the liberty to weep.

Come join me in my secret garden
The haven where i pour my heart out
Pay attention to my silly musings
Look at me like you've got no doubt.

Come join me in my secret garden
We’ll drown out all our fears
We’ll cuddle, laugh, and play
Don’t mind all those frontiers.

Come join me in my secret garden
And tell me who you are
As we lie under the night sky
Let me hear the music from your guitar.

Come join me in my secret garden
But please make sure you are the key
That you are who you say you are
And that you would see me as me.

Guni-guni

2009-03-12T11:50:00.000+08:00

Magt-twenty one na pala ko. Ayoko pa. Pwede ba wag muna?

march 6

2009-03-06T15:55:00.000+08:00

She should be deaf
She should cover her ears
Try her best not to listen
Or she would hurt them.

She should be mute
Should keep her mouth shut
Never utter a word
Or she would hurt them

She should be blind
She should cover her eyes
Stick with the dark
Or she would hurt them.

She should be numb
Spare everyone from the hurt
Pretend she doesn’t feel anything
Or she’ll cause them pain.

Second hand

2009-03-01T19:19:00.001+08:00

The clock is ticking. Fast. I'm turning 21 in less than a month and I dread that day.

Drops

2009-03-01T19:16:00.000+08:00

The rain pours.
Memories flood me.
Now it's not just the sky that cries.

Feb 20 Afternoon

2009-02-26T05:21:00.000+08:00

She fell when she was 14.
And now she’s fallen.
Behind her smiles are razor-sharp teeth. Capable of cutting, of hurting, of incapacitating. Who she is she doesn’t know anymore. And they keep asking. Beneath her laughters are muffled sobs. Hushed to escape their curious stares. Nobody knows the truth. No not one soul. Except hers.

Feb 20 Morning

2009-02-26T05:20:00.000+08:00

And then they met,
But not with ease.
They’re darting flames,
Yes, such a tease.

So now they talk,
But not that much.
Still keeping things,
It’s all on hunch.

And so they listen,
As the other talks.
Picking the pieces,
But careful like hawks.

Their interests piqued,
They look for more.
Learning something new,
T’was never a bore.

But the question still rings.
Where is the wolf?
The knight?
The angel?

The memories,
The touch still burning.
The light fades
As the world started swirling.

Burst

2009-02-20T00:41:00.000+08:00

I doze off when I'm not supposed to.
I throw up when I least expect.
I wake up when my eyes should be shut tight.
I become full without feeling the effect.

I talk at times when I shouldn't.
I listen when I wasn't invited.
I try to ignore something I couldn't.
I show indifference to keep things uncomplicated.

I stop laughing just when I have to start.
I go sobbing when no one would hear.
I start yelling to the content of my heart.
I act brave when all I feel is fear.

I walk.
I talk.
I spill.
Right here.

ban from the bond

2009-02-19T21:11:00.001+08:00

Someone got me thinking tonight. He's right.
In a way I'm like a lion.
But only because I need walls or iron bars to keep myself from hurting those around me. I need to be caged. And I have to be caged to avoid messing things up.

January 9

2009-02-19T21:10:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I envy smokers. Or the drinkers (not the heavily tanked up ones though). Not because they look cool to some people or because I simply want to jump on their bandwagon. I don’t need another bad habit either. Nope, I don’t want to have a smoker’s scent nor do I want to catch a hang over or something.

What I’m envious of though is the fact that they have something to turn to when they feel stressed or jittery. It’s like some rely on these stuff to handle their bundle of nerves. I mean, who wouldn’t want that? It’s like they can find comfort already in something so accessible, something so within reach, especially if you have a Ministop or 7eleven nearby. I’ve heard many people say it calms them down. Maybe just for a while but at least it did free you from stress for a bit.

Me? I suck at handling stress. Being the worry wart that I am, I’m almost always caught in a surge of panic when something goes wrong. Worse yet, people can see it right away. A stick of pat on the back, a puff of encouraging words, and a jigger of laughter sometimes help a lot though. And sometimes, those just lessen my stress. But sometimes, I could do nothing but wish they’re enough to make things work.

January 5

2009-02-19T21:04:00.000+08:00

The past few days, the sky changed its color to white as evenly-spread clouds cover the usually blue one. Clouds cover the sky in a way that you won’t bother thinking there’s the blue beneath it. And at cloudy times like this, when you won’t even notice that the sun had already risen, the best thing to do is to lie in bed and enjoy the comfort of your warm blanket.

But as much as I’d love to do just that, that’s not what I did. Instead, I woke up at past 4 am, willing myself to get my behind out of my bed. It’s January 5 and I’m forced to work again after the two-week Christmas break. It’s not that I don’t like my work. I’m very thankful for it, in fact. It’s just that if it’s my choice, I won’t work. Lazy bum, aren’t I?

I’d travel instead. With my family, boyfriend, friends, or just by myself. There’s just more to life than this computer-clad office with tons of paper work and write-ups to do. I sound whiny now, don’t I? Okay, I like my boss, our secretary, and the people that I work with. It’s just that most of the time, I’m in front of this ever so slow pc not knowing exactly what to do whereas if I’m traveling, I’d get to do and learn so many things that my work can’t teach me. I’d get the chance to meet more people and see more of the world outside this ‘academician-filled’ university. I’d get to meet more missionaries, celebrities, or just those people who pretend they’re ordinary but do extraordinary stuff.

For now though, I have no choice but to work hard and beyond what most people expect of me and hopefully, save enough from my salary (which also means changing my lifestyle :D). ~~I just can’t wait for that time that I don’t have to work for anybody anymore~~ I just can’t wait for that time that I’d get to do what I totally, extremely, and absolutely love.

Death Means Heaven

2008-11-28T22:20:00.000+08:00

I'm torn, I'm squished
I'm caught, confused

Help.
Can't breathe.
Or maybe I just don't want to.

Because I'm torn, I'm squished
I'm caught, confused

Salt.
As it flows.
I bit my lips.

Because I'm torn, I'm squished
I'm caught, confused

Tristful.
Am I?
My mouth is shut.

Because I'm torn, I'm squished
I'm caught, confused

Befuddled.
And it gets stronger.
As things start to unfold.

I'm more torn, more squished
I'm trapped, more confused
Isn't survival a torture?

Corn. Cheese. Mush. Part 2.

2008-11-18T13:10:00.000+08:00

Brace yourself, okay? If you're not the one who digs romantic novels and stuff like that, well then you should go now. Fast. Now proceed at your own risk and don't tell me I didn't warn you. haha.

Anyway, Ralph and I celebrated our 6th anniversary last August. And I broke up with him on that same month. Yes I was stubborn enough to do that even if I know that I really love him.

I was stubborn enough to make him feel so broken. I was stubborn enough to risk losing him. I was stubborn enough to make them worried. I was stubborn. Period. Okay, you can forget the period and add crazy there.

Looking back, I don't know what really pushed me to do that. Lapse of proper judgment? Temporary insanity? Could be. All I know now though is that I'm more than thankful that we're back together now.

And I've never been this happy. I'm back with the person who sees me as beautiful even if my hair is so unruly that I could pass up for the role of Sisa effortlessly. I'm back with the person who never fails to knock me off my feet. I'm back with the person who keeps my feet off the ground.

Ralph. An ordinary name given to someone who does no ordinary things. I don't know why I love him, really. He's like a guy straight out of the pages of a fairy tale. He's got flaws but that makes him more...him. And maybe that's one thing that draws me to him. Or maybe it's because he's so passionate about his family. Maybe it's because it seems like he knows me more than I know myself. Maybe it's the way he could see through me. Maybe it's the way his eyes shine when he looks at his youngest brother and sister. Maybe it's how he holds my hand while intently looking at me before going home at midnight. Maybe it's how he was so understanding in those times I temporarily lost my sanity. Or maybe it's because he made me believe that those novels could happen in real life. That they could happen to us. Or maybe it's all those...and more.

From storybooks to catwalks

2008-11-11T20:46:00.000+08:00

So, before I start venting here how irritating traffic was, let me just tell about something that I've been eying (and wanting so bad!) for so long.

Tada..gladiator sandals :)

I first saw this in a fashion show (D&G I guess? Can't remember) way back last April and since then, I've always wanted one. I'm more for the laid back design though since it's more gladiator haha. I spotted one at Mall of Asia before but I didn't have the money then. When I came back though, the color that I want is gone. Zip. I'm stuck here in Cavite during weekdays so I can't find something that I really like. I would own a pair though before the year ends and I don't care if they would say it's already outdated. I'm not the kind who follow trends. I just want this so bad because I know what I really like when I see it :D Anyway, I'm just glad that after a long day at work and after 2 hours of travel, I'm finally off to bed.

Exodus

2008-11-01T00:16:00.000+08:00

I really can't picture myself reaching the old age no matter how much I try to rack my brain for that certain image. Stardust hair. Wrinkly skin. Forgetful. Weak. I really can't imagine me becoming like that. Don't get me wrong, okay? I know I have this tendency to be vain but no, it's not about vanity at all. It's just that the thought of growing old scares me out of my wits. There, I said it.

Growing old would usually mean no more late night out but aside from that, I don't like to grow old because I'm afraid that if I would, I would not be of much help anymore. I am fully aware that our grandparents these days are not useless. I'm talking about me. What if I would become ill? And what if I would acquire aphasia or Alzheimer's? I'm only twenty but I feel like I already have a bad case of memory gap. No kidding here. Like I'm already forgetful even if I'm this young. I would rather die than be a pest to those who love me enough to take care of me. I can't bear to be a burden to them. No. I just don't want that to ever happen. *cringe*

Whenever I imagine myself dead, the picture I always see is that of me in my late twenties or early thirties. I don't see myself beyond that anymore. I love the line 'I wanna grow old with you' but it's like yes, that sounds so romantic, but no, I don't know if I would ever really grow that old. I am enjoying my youth so much. Even more than you can imagine. Coward that I am, I just don't want to be weak and useless. I don't want my death to be caused by a chronic sickness where everyone, even myself, expects me to just die anytime soon. Or if I would be kept alive, my loved ones would be the one who would suffer. It's like death is something already given. Shallow that I may be but I'd rather not see the preparations they need to have for my death.

It's not that I'm scared of death; no, I'd be really glad to be with my heavenly Father. Or okay, I am. A little (I'm more concerned for those who I would leave behind). What I'm really scared of though is to actually feel it. To tell myself 'surprise, suprise. guess who's dying any moment now?'. To let that very fact seep through my bones would kill me more than any disease would. All those and much more. And I want to flee from them. I'm such a coward, aren't I?

Supersti-shows

2008-10-29T21:07:00.000+08:00

If curiosity really kills the cat, and if I am a cat, I would have eaten up all my nine lives.

It's over.

2008-10-24T00:01:00.000+08:00

So, the first semester of S.Y. 2008-2009 is finally over. This time of the year was kind of a roller coaster ride for me. Cliche as that may sound, it really was like that. After staying for 13 years in my at URCA for my basic education and 4 1/2 years at PNU for my college and graduate studies, I entered a world entirely new to me this sem. A world filled with strangers. A world where I will spend my first real work.
Well, I just can't let the second semester come without me listing down at least some of the things I learned last sem. Here they are :)

I learned that...
~ it's hard being a grown-up..especially when you had to grow up fast
~ workplace is so far from school (literally and figuratively)
~ sometimes, showing your best would sometimes backfire on you
~ stories of first year students on their first day in college is usually very interesting to hear
~ being idealistic won't always work..it has its right place
~ some freshmen students might look mature already but when you get to spend more time with them, their being a freshmen would really show
~ some people would tend to abuse other people's kindness-- like students to students, students to teachers, teachers to teachers, and teachers to administrators
~ many people would settle for mediocrity for the sake of convenience...and most of the time, they're not the ones who suffer
~ friends will always be friends
~ I really can't find anyone like him :)

Students. Teachers.

2006-11-26T00:45:00.000+08:00

Whew..it's been so long since I last dropped by blogspot (I mean the real site). Being an intern is getting all the time I have. Free times should be spent with visuals and devices

I've started teaching kids on the 6th grade and really, it's not as hard as I've imagined it would be. I mean, during the observations I had in my first week there, it seems like there's this one section that's so unmanageable, but then, when I'm in front and I will tell them to work..they will--after sometime of coaxing. Another surprise is my throat doesn't go all dry when I'm talking in front. Imagine having to talk to 50+ students, my voice should really be as energetic and modulated as I could muster..God, that's hard. That's what I kept praying for long before I started because it's always been my problem ever since. You see? With God's help things work fine. Right now, things are as smooth as they could be. Yeah, it's hard. But then, what isn't?

So enough about school (I've got so much to talk about school I'm afraid I might bore you). It's our church's 16th anniversary tomorrow. Aside from christmas party, this is one event I keep waiting for. I don't know why but I feel a surge of pride everytime we celebrate the day that God chose people to build this church...which is now a big family. I wonder how things will go tomorrow

Til here..I have to go back doing my materials for Monday.anyone willing to
help?

Pre-Christmas Syndrome

2006-11-06T03:23:00.000+08:00

Pre-christmas syndrome. I don't know if there's really such a thing but that's just how I call it. It started, not when they had the first countdown of days-before-christmas, but when I first felt the wind at night change and my favorite constellations start to twinkle once again at the night sky. Have you ever felt that? When the nights get colder and the stars start to show up like they altogether agreed to, well, show up at night. Doesn't it feel different?

All these makes me somehow feel lonely for some reason I don't know..really. I just feel sad everytime I feel the cold breeze sting my face (though these days it's not that cold anymore) and as I start to look for my fave constellations, something inside me feels...I don't know.. different. It started back when i was a kid, but I can't pinpoint exactly when it all started.

It's not that don't like christmas. It's actually our God's birthday you know...and this holiday is one of those holidays I keep waiting for. But then, I can't deny this loneliness I feel everytime christmas comes to a near. I guess it's not christmas that gives me these kind of feelings, I guess it's the...atmosphere? Nostalgia? Now I'm not even so sure what the real reason is behind all these. All I know is that there's something different..

Stuck

2006-10-19T23:34:00.000+08:00

Soaked
Down to my bare feet
To the depths of my soul
I'm choked

Frozen
Cold outside and within
It scares me
I'm broken

Wounded
Now bleeding so hard
Need mayday
I'm unprotected

Faraway
The smile I crave
Miles from here
I stay

Pleading
Give warmth to my soul
With you beside me
...I'm whole

*This was a poem I made and posted on my previous blog..

Talk and Talk

2006-10-18T07:53:00.000+08:00

I don't know if I could really make the most of this upcoming semestral break. What with all the requirements still piled up! Our research subject took all the time from us to even do our requirements in other courses. Nga pala, I'm just so proud that our group was chosen to represent the class for the research forum..but then I doubt something's wrong from the verdict of those judges (well, I'm not the only one who does). Well, enough of that.

I see some of you are enjoying your break already huh? I'm happy for you, then :) I don't want sembreak to ever end..I don't want to go off campus, really. The mere thought of it scares me a lot. It's like I'm going to venture into something I'm not really familiar with. I don't know what kind of kids await me in the school where I'll have my Student Teaching. I don't know what kind of Supervising Instructors will be there to watch us! I really hope Phoebe and I will be together in one school to share my fears with me :)

I know I bored you with this. So congratulations if you got this far, you deserve a tag :)

Oh, here's a picture after our defense..defense mates and all :)

Macing and Me chilling out after that draining defense..with our stomachs grumbling hehe

Mae, Aina, and Phoebe...comgratulations to us :)

Ara..moments before sya magtampo :)

If you're thinking it's time to rest, not yet..I still have to finish this form for our Student Teaching. Haha..look how messy our table is. Students.

Reverie

2006-09-27T16:54:00.000+08:00

Lights from boats faraway glimmering. Waves gently crashing the shore. The stars twinkling. The moon casting an ethereal glow in her eyes.
Everything still seems surreal.
He still can't believe that she's now beside him.
It's been a long time since they last saw each other, but today is specially different. Nothing else matters, only her presence.

They decided to take a walk along the beach.

Barefeet. Holding hands. Laughing. Everything is perfect. She is perfect. And he feels perfect.

Along they walk. Savoring this rare moment that they have. Making up for all those times missed each other.

It's now late at night, but neither couldn't care less.

Deciding to sit on the shore, they stoppped and looked for a nice spot. there they cuddled.
Silently.
Neither wanting to break the magic of the moment.

The waves gently spraying them. The stars look down on them. The moon is at its peak. The air is crisp. The sand felt cold on their feet.
They hugged each other tightly. Her head on his shoulders. His other arm around her shoulders while stroking her hair gently.
She looked up at him, her eyes glowing.

"I love you" she whispers.
"I love you, too. And that's the only thing that matters. Nothing else does."

He kissed her hair. And she took his hand and gently squeezed it.

And for a second there, they thought it's real. That nothing else matters.

Look Around

2006-09-24T11:25:00.000+08:00

Wow. It's been silent here for since I-don't- know-when. School kept me busy these past few weeks and well, it still is keeping me busy, but this time it wont keep me from posting for a while. I just have to get away from all those lesson plans and stuff. Just have to take a break.

Anyway, let me just show you something. Please observe carefully.

I got this e-mail from my father. It really is heart-shattering. This photo taken during a Sudan famine in 1994 won a Pulitzer Prize. this picture depicts a famine-stricken child who's crawling towards a United Nations food camp -- located a KILOMETER away. Take a look at that vulture behind this child. Guess what? It's just waiting for the child to die so it can eat him.

Shocking indeed. Nobody knows what happened to the child. Not even the photographer who took this. I was furious at the photographer when I read this. Why, despite his ability to help, did he just left this child who badly needs him?

Kevin Carter, the photographer, left the child after taking a photo of him. Three months after this incident, he committed suicide due to depression. And this was found in his diary:

Dear God, I promise I will never waste my food
no matter how bad it can taste and how full I may be. I pray that He will
protect this little boy, guide and deliver him away from his misery. I pray
that
we will be more sensitive towards the world around us and not be
blinded by our own selfish nature and interests.

I hope that this will serve as an eye-opener for all of us. That we, despite the current state of our country, is still blessed enough. Let's always be thankful for what we have. As youth, we keep whining over simple things that we think are very important, forgetting that the world is bigger than us. Let's not take for granted the simplest of things that we now enjoy.

Right now, if you'll ask what I'm thinking, I believe that if only Kevin Carter helped the child, both of them will be alive...if only he let his conscience rule over his..i don't know.. fears, maybe?

Ladies and Gentlemen

2006-09-09T21:15:00.000+08:00

Here's a poem by Nancy R. Smith

For Every Woman...

For every woman who is tired of acting weak when she knows she is strong;
There is a man who is tired of appearing strong when he feels vulnerable.

For every woman who is tired of acting dumb;
There is a man who is burdened with the responsibility of 'knowing everything'.

For every women who is tired of being called an 'emotional female';
There is a man who is denied the right to weep and be gentle.

For every woman who is called unfeminine when she competes;
There is a man for whom competition is the only way to prove he is masculine.

For every woman who is tired of being a sex object;
There is a man who must worry about his potency.

For every woman who feels 'tied down' by her children;
There is a man who is denied the full pleasure of parenthood.

For every woman who is denied meaningful employment and equal pay;
There is a man who must bear the financial responsibility for another human being.

For every woman who was not taught the intricacies of an automobile;
There is a man who was not taught the satisfaction of cooking.

For every woman who takes a step towards her own liberation;
There is a man who finds that the way to freedom has been made a little easier.

***

Don't see me as an anti-feminist here..it's just that sometimes, we forget that not only females face problems and are accused of weaknesses. Each of us have them. Let's just be reminded that no matter what the sex is, we could find ways of dealing with whatever would come our way.

That Day

2006-09-06T20:47:00.001+08:00

Situation 1: Flood in a flash...hindi sya flashflood, pero grabe, saglit lang umulan eh baha na agad sa manila. nung tuesday nga muntik na kami ma-stranded ni phoebe xe sobrang baha talaga sa manila, tas kaninang umaga, nakakatakot tingnan ung dinadaanan nung bus dahil grabe nga ung baha. Ang daming part ng taft na nagbabaha, tas ung iba, nagtanggal na ng sandals or rubber shoes, tas aun, sugod sa baha na halos 1 ft. din ung taas. Ung iba pinagkakitaan na ung baha, babayaran sila dahil sa effort nila na mag-lagay ng mga bricks or nung monoblock para daanan nung mga tao, iba naman pedicab ung diskarte. Hindi lang malalim ung baha, it smells awful. Talaga, kahit naka-aircon ka na, walang takas sa amoy na un. Mga baha talaga eh dun sa may PWU, PCU, Pedro Gil, sa UN medyo lang...good news is walang baha sa Ayala boulevard. buti na lang..kinakabahan na xe ko habang nasa bus..iniicp na diskarteng gagawin para di mabasa ng baha na un..pero buti na lang talaga hindi nga nagbaha. Aun.

Situation 2: Di kami natuloy ni Ralph mag-lunch xe may kailangan pa silang hintayin tas papasok pa xa sa skul. Oo disaster na din un.

Situation 3: c kuya commentator ng basketball sa PNU. Aus mag-comment, nakakatawa. Kaya lang eto hirit nya habang sinu-SUBTRACT ung scores para malaman nya kung ilan ung lamang nung isang team: carry one. gets?

Situation 4: Na-out of balance ako pag-sakay ko sa jeep. Ewan ko kung bakit. nakakahiya tuloy.

Corn, Cheese, and Mush.

2006-08-23T20:56:00.000+08:00

Whenever I sit still and think back of what has happened in my 18 years of existence, I would smile at myself, thinking that my life will never be good for Maalaala mo kaya episodes nor will it be enough for Magpakailanman. In short, my life was never dramatic. I'm no princess but I'm no pauper, too. Unlike many girls out there, I haven't cried over a guy who's bound to leave me when things don't work well. I've got no break-up diaries. No heartbreak stories. No chronicles-worth-a-novel. No tear-jerking experiences. No nothing.

Now before you go thinking what a boring and bum-like life I have, hear from me first, before you totally ditch what I'm talking about.

Again, let me remind you that I don't have any break-up story that publishers would kill for. There's one thing I'd like to share to you, though. It may sound cheesy, but yeah, I love someone...in a way I've never imagined I'm capable of loving. Why? Now that's one tough question. Whenever I ponder on it myself, I always arrive at the conclusion that there's really nothing specific that made me love him. I just do. And how much I do is even harder to answer. Words, no matter what language, aren't enough to express how I really do love him. He's just one of the most treasured gifts that God gave me. He's one of the reasons why I believe in life, and why I still want to live life. He's not just someone who makes me flush. Yes, he gives me jitters back then, but growing up with him made it all different. I found a real friend in him...someone who could see right through me and unveil the mask that I've been wearing for so long. Despite the weaknesses, flaws, and imperfections he saw in me, he's still there, always willing to accept me for who I am...and even to help me bring out the best in me. I feel the safest when I'm with him, even in my nakedness, for the warmth of his acceptance is embracing every inch of my being. Even with my guard down, I know I'm secure because of the assurance that no matter what, he'll be there to fight for me, sword or no sword. His smile is enough to make me smile even in days that I'm torn. His presence is more than enough to push away the fears welling inside me whenever I'm alone, yes, he's more than enough.

I know you've heard this line over and over: I love him so much it makes me cry. I don't know. I guess no matter how overused these words are, the meaning will always be there. Like this very moment. I feel like crying for no particular reason. this happiness I feel makes me want to burst into tears. I'm just very happy, so happy that i don't care if you find me insane.

I admit I was way too young when I started thinking about this love. Crushes and giggles were normal for highschoolers...but for a 14 to enter a relationship? What does a 14 year old really know about such stuff anyway? I was in Junior h.s., and back then, I thought I'm sure of what I'm doing. But as days passed, problems start to arise, and I doubt if I'm strong and mature enough to handle them. Doubts start to overwhelm me.. I started to waver. But he kept his cool. He was there to assure me, to make me realize that what we have is worth all those rumors and cold stares. And we held on to what we have, believing we could work things out. Hey, we did!Just look at us now...look at us. If you believe what you two share is something different and worth fighting for, go on, hold on to what you have. Don't let it slip away before your very eyes.

Love is one word we hear almost everyday, but its real depth is so hard to grasp. Honestly, at this young age, I don't have the concept of real love down pat. All I'm certain of is that I love him. Is it true? Will It last? We're bound to know that, but at this moment, only God knows. If ever time comes, though, that things won't work well for us, I'll have no regrets. Who would've? Growing with him taught me lessons that will always stay with me. Every moments spent with him always be a part of my being. If, but I really pray and hope not, God's decision is not what we're expecting, I won't chip on His shoulder. Instead I'll always be thankful that God shared his creation to me. I will always thank him for sharing his life with me, his thoughts, his emotions..and most of all, for letting me share my life with him. In everyday that will pass by, I'll always remember that once in my life, this person touched me in a way not even a real angel could. The love we shared is something that only us could truly understand..only you and me. I've learned a lot from him..and I'm looking forward for more years of love, gentleness, warmth, and friendship that we will have together.

P.S.

No one is more proud than I am to have a relationship that' s more than worth any lessons I would've learned if I've undergone the pains of being ditched, of being desolate. Thanks, sweetheart, for being patient with me =)

buried..but back

2006-08-19T23:23:00.000+08:00

It's like I'm somebody else these past two weeks. I haven't been myself in everyday that passed by. Yes, I laugh, talk,--real flesh and blood--but deep within me, I know i'm nothing but a soulless mud. Many times, I do things that I don't realize is stupid, and yes, I could see myself doing such things but it will only sink in me once I'm alone. At the end of the day, when there's no one to talk to, I will suddenly realize that I haven't done anything worthwhile. Then the emptiness will be back..slowly..but making sure it invades every part of me. Many times, I find myself doing something I know that's not my real self...and I can see such actions eat me alive...but I can do nothing but stare as it rots my bones. And worse, it affects those around me, too.

Right then, I have to change, I have to stop being foolish. Yes, I knew it had to stop. I let myself believe i don't know what's the matter with me. But hey, who am I kidding? I know what's wrong with me. I'm just lonely--plain as that. Why? I think because of two reasons: School and Him.

I guess partly it's because of the piled-up schoolwork and whenever I think of it, I'll only regret that it even occurred in my thoughts. We're through with our first quarter but it bothers me that things are getting really hard and I'm afraid if I could make it to the end..

Another is Him...yeah it's Ralph. It struck me that our present situation is really hard. HARD. Distance seems to take its toll on me. It's different, really different, without him by my side everytime I'm on my way home. Unlike before, I can't sleep the whole time I'm travelling. All I could do is to drown myself with the blasting music from my player and stare blankly at the soft glimmering lights below skyway. 2 hours of travel everyday is tiring enough...but it's much draining without him. It's my entire fault though, because I've been so dependent to his presence. Okay. Blame me. I'm just so glad that we could still work things out.

There I said it. I just had to let that out. Those have been on my mind for days now. And it's better now that I've blurted out how i feel.

P.S.

This is my first real post here =)

Still Tryin

2005-05-03T11:44:00.000+08:00

ím new here...
i wonder what's in store for me in this blogger thing.