It's like I'm somebody else these past two weeks. I haven't been myself in everyday that passed by. Yes, I laugh, talk,--real flesh and blood--but deep within me, I know i'm nothing but a soulless mud. Many times, I do things that I don't realize is stupid, and yes, I could see myself doing such things but it will only sink in me once I'm alone. At the end of the day, when there's no one to talk to, I will suddenly realize that I haven't done anything worthwhile. Then the emptiness will be back..slowly..but making sure it invades every part of me. Many times, I find myself doing something I know that's not my real self...and I can see such actions eat me alive...but I can do nothing but stare as it rots my bones. And worse, it affects those around me, too.
Right then, I have to change, I have to stop being foolish. Yes, I knew it had to stop. I let myself believe i don't know what's the matter with me. But hey, who am I kidding? I know what's wrong with me. I'm just lonely--plain as that. Why? I think because of two reasons: School and Him.
I guess partly it's because of the piled-up schoolwork and whenever I think of it, I'll only regret that it even occurred in my thoughts. We're through with our first quarter but it bothers me that things are getting really hard and I'm afraid if I could make it to the end..
Another is Him...yeah it's Ralph. It struck me that our present situation is really hard. HARD. Distance seems to take its toll on me. It's different, really different, without him by my side everytime I'm on my way home. Unlike before, I can't sleep the whole time I'm travelling. All I could do is to drown myself with the blasting music from my player and stare blankly at the soft glimmering lights below skyway. 2 hours of travel everyday is tiring enough...but it's much draining without him. It's my entire fault though, because I've been so dependent to his presence. Okay. Blame me. I'm just so glad that we could still work things out.
There I said it. I just had to let that out. Those have been on my mind for days now. And it's better now that I've blurted out how i feel.
This is my first real post here =)
0 couldn't resist blurting something out
Got naked on Saturday, August 19, 2006