Corn, Cheese, and Mush.
Whenever I sit still and think back of what has happened in my 18 years of existence, I would smile at myself, thinking that my life will never be good for Maalaala mo kaya episodes nor will it be enough for Magpakailanman. In short, my life was never dramatic. I'm no princess but I'm no pauper, too. Unlike many girls out there, I haven't cried over a guy who's bound to leave me when things don't work well. I've got no break-up diaries. No heartbreak stories. No chronicles-worth-a-novel. No tear-jerking experiences. No nothing.
Now before you go thinking what a boring and bum-like life I have, hear from me first, before you totally ditch what I'm talking about.
Again, let me remind you that I don't have any break-up story that publishers would kill for. There's one thing I'd like to share to you, though. It may sound cheesy, but yeah, I love someone...in a way I've never imagined I'm capable of loving. Why? Now that's one tough question. Whenever I ponder on it myself, I always arrive at the conclusion that there's really nothing specific that made me love him. I just do. And how much I do is even harder to answer. Words, no matter what language, aren't enough to express how I really do love him. He's just one of the most treasured gifts that God gave me. He's one of the reasons why I believe in life, and why I still want to live life. He's not just someone who makes me flush. Yes, he gives me jitters back then, but growing up with him made it all different. I found a real friend in him...someone who could see right through me and unveil the mask that I've been wearing for so long. Despite the weaknesses, flaws, and imperfections he saw in me, he's still there, always willing to accept me for who I am...and even to help me bring out the best in me. I feel the safest when I'm with him, even in my nakedness, for the warmth of his acceptance is embracing every inch of my being. Even with my guard down, I know I'm secure because of the assurance that no matter what, he'll be there to fight for me, sword or no sword. His smile is enough to make me smile even in days that I'm torn. His presence is more than enough to push away the fears welling inside me whenever I'm alone, yes, he's more than enough.
I know you've heard this line over and over: I love him so much it makes me cry. I don't know. I guess no matter how overused these words are, the meaning will always be there. Like this very moment. I feel like crying for no particular reason. this happiness I feel makes me want to burst into tears. I'm just very happy, so happy that i don't care if you find me insane.
I admit I was way too young when I started thinking about this love. Crushes and giggles were normal for highschoolers...but for a 14 to enter a relationship? What does a 14 year old really know about such stuff anyway? I was in Junior h.s., and back then, I thought I'm sure of what I'm doing. But as days passed, problems start to arise, and I doubt if I'm strong and mature enough to handle them. Doubts start to overwhelm me.. I started to waver. But he kept his cool. He was there to assure me, to make me realize that what we have is worth all those rumors and cold stares. And we held on to what we have, believing we could work things out. Hey, we did!Just look at us now...look at us. If you believe what you two share is something different and worth fighting for, go on, hold on to what you have. Don't let it slip away before your very eyes.
Love is one word we hear almost everyday, but its real depth is so hard to grasp. Honestly, at this young age, I don't have the concept of real love down pat. All I'm certain of is that I love him. Is it true? Will It last? We're bound to know that, but at this moment, only God knows. If ever time comes, though, that things won't work well for us, I'll have no regrets. Who would've? Growing with him taught me lessons that will always stay with me. Every moments spent with him always be a part of my being. If, but I really pray and hope not, God's decision is not what we're expecting, I won't chip on His shoulder. Instead I'll always be thankful that God shared his creation to me. I will always thank him for sharing his life with me, his thoughts, his emotions..and most of all, for letting me share my life with him. In everyday that will pass by, I'll always remember that once in my life, this person touched me in a way not even a real angel could. The love we shared is something that only us could truly understand..only you and me. I've learned a lot from him..and I'm looking forward for more years of love, gentleness, warmth, and friendship that we will have together.
No one is more proud than I am to have a relationship that' s more than worth any lessons I would've learned if I've undergone the pains of being ditched, of being desolate. Thanks, sweetheart, for being patient with me =)
0 couldn't resist blurting something out
Got naked on Wednesday, August 23, 2006
It's like I'm somebody else these past two weeks. I haven't been myself in everyday that passed by. Yes, I laugh, talk,--real flesh and blood--but deep within me, I know i'm nothing but a soulless mud. Many times, I do things that I don't realize is stupid, and yes, I could see myself doing such things but it will only sink in me once I'm alone. At the end of the day, when there's no one to talk to, I will suddenly realize that I haven't done anything worthwhile. Then the emptiness will be back..slowly..but making sure it invades every part of me. Many times, I find myself doing something I know that's not my real self...and I can see such actions eat me alive...but I can do nothing but stare as it rots my bones. And worse, it affects those around me, too.
Right then, I have to change, I have to stop being foolish. Yes, I knew it had to stop. I let myself believe i don't know what's the matter with me. But hey, who am I kidding? I know what's wrong with me. I'm just lonely--plain as that. Why? I think because of two reasons: School and Him.
I guess partly it's because of the piled-up schoolwork and whenever I think of it, I'll only regret that it even occurred in my thoughts. We're through with our first quarter but it bothers me that things are getting really hard and I'm afraid if I could make it to the end..
Another is Him...yeah it's Ralph. It struck me that our present situation is really hard. HARD. Distance seems to take its toll on me. It's different, really different, without him by my side everytime I'm on my way home. Unlike before, I can't sleep the whole time I'm travelling. All I could do is to drown myself with the blasting music from my player and stare blankly at the soft glimmering lights below skyway. 2 hours of travel everyday is tiring enough...but it's much draining without him. It's my entire fault though, because I've been so dependent to his presence. Okay. Blame me. I'm just so glad that we could still work things out.
There I said it. I just had to let that out. Those have been on my mind for days now. And it's better now that I've blurted out how i feel.
This is my first real post here =)
0 couldn't resist blurting something out
Got naked on Saturday, August 19, 2006