About this blog
Wow. If this blog could only collect dust and cobwebs due to stagnation, I would have a hard time cleaning the whole mess up before I could write. Good thing that's not the case here! :D
I've been busy, or I'd like to think I've been busy, between work, my parents' 24th anniversary, and Noli. Oh! And eating and sleeping and watching movies, too :P
The thing is, I've stopped writing. Deliberately. Even if I wanted to write something so bad, I would force myself to not open the laptop that's right beside me everytime I go to bed.
I stopped writing because I'm a coward and I can't express what's really running on my mind without the fear of hurting someone--anyone--who might stumble across my blog. I loved writing when my emotions are so intense but right now, I think I'd rather keep those intense feelings to myself or to those I'm intimate with. I'm afraid that when I write here, say, when I'm mad or sad, I'd only nurture the feelings instead of the other way around. Or when I want to express my thoughts about a particular person, I'm afraid it will be interpreted in an entirely different way than how I intended.
So there. I think this is why I tried so many times and failed to write consistently. Because I can't completely let myself out. There'll still always be these pent up feelings that I would still want to express but hopefully, anonymously.
0 couldn't resist blurting something out
Got naked on Thursday, October 21, 2010
Drawn by your light
Entranced by your glimmer
Still, she tried to hold tight
You were different
Perhaps in her eyes something new
She's mesmerized by your wisdom
Enamored by "you"
Enchanted by your heat
Amidst this damp, cold night
So even though it would break her
She took the risk, she took the flight
Listless, this moth became
Her resolve began to waver
So her grip, she let go
Slowly, she embraced you, Danger.
This is the poem I wrote back when Noli and I were going out for quite some time already but were not yet really together. Sometimes I still find it strange that we're already together.
0 couldn't resist blurting something out
Got naked on Saturday, October 09, 2010
home a little early on a weekend =)
I just had one of the most painful waxing sessions with my youngest sister earlier! I don't know when or how her waxing skills got down the drain but I'm just pleased that my underarms look a whole lot better now
I was starving when she was waxing my underarms already but I had to shut down the hunger since I also had to wax hers in return (one of the many benefits of having sisters!). The wait is all worth it though. I stuffed myself with Mama's pancit, my favorite in the whole wide world. Just when I thought I had it, my sister told me there's an ice cream in the freezer and it's strawberry What happened next, I'm leaving to your imagination
To end the night is this blog entry. haha. I wish the car's available tomorrow but if it's not, it's okay I'm off to bed now since I have to start the day really early on the morrow.
God, please use your healing hands to take away my sister's toothache. Thank you in advance!
0 couldn't resist blurting something out
Got naked on Friday, October 08, 2010
How bad is it when you feel bad about feeling bad?
You got my question?
Really, how bad is it when you feel bad about feeling bad? Or, is it even bad to feel bad about feeling bad?
I hope you're not baffled yet, dear reader. I'm in an awful state of confusion right now so expect this entry to be perplexing. Now if you can't bear that, click exit and leave. Now.
Sometimes I ask God why He made me the extremely sensitive person that I am. Small stuff that some people say or do become magnified with my
most-of-the-time unreasonable paranoia. Or I ask Him why He made my tear glands extra active when I feel happy, sad, or mad (funny how these different feelings can evoke the same responses from almost everyone's tear glands, right? ).
I ask Him in times like last Tuesday. It was World Teachers' Day and we had this event at school. Our office had this steel truss stands where students wrote their messages to their teachers and have their pictures taken using the faces in the tarps with peep-through holes. I and my officemate, Ivan, were to oversee the installation of these stands a the venue. We encountered some problems with the location so we had to ask the very kind housekeepers to disassemble what they have just installed. Yep, they had to start again because of some orders from higher ups. With that, I take the blame since the 9x9 ft stand will really block the traffic at the gym a little. So despite my shame, I asked the kuyas to move them.
While we were already inside and the installation almost done, The Administrator arrived. Now let me give you a little background about The Administrator. He's known to be annoying for so many staff which is ironic because he is a Religious Education teacher. I had one friend who used to work for him tell stories about how he could be such a pain sometimes. Going back to The Administrator, he arrived and started to sniff.
"*sniff, sniff* Ano yung nangangamoy?"
"Baka po yung tarp?"
"Ay hindi yan pwede ikabit, magagalit si Brother."
"Eh sir hindi naman po maamoy eh"
(Lumapit yung guard. Inamoy yung tarp)
"Ay sir, ito nga po yun sir, nangangamoy nga" (I could almost see him kissing The Administrator's behind. ugh.)
"Sir, I don't think Brother will even smell that because that will be put up under the basketball ring and Brother always sits in front," I reasoned.
"Ay hindi pwede, hindi talaga pwede."
Now that got me. I just went outside for a while trying to contact our head but to no avail. And when I saw a secretary, the tears just automatically flowed down.
"Ate Dina, pinapatanggal ni Sir yung tarp"
To make it short, the dean of one of the colleges had to smell the tarp to check if the smell was really coming from it. And as expected, it didn't. The smell came from the sound systems blah blah. So after a few tears and a rudolf-the-red-nose-reindeer nose, we had it installed. Yay to that
My officemate told me it was obvious that I cried and that he could tell even from afar how irritated I was. I didn't mean it to be like that, I swear. It's just that I didn't want to get mad. I was trying to be as patient as I could muster but it didn't work I guess. I kept thinking that time that The Administrator was just trying to do his job (though in an exaggerated way at times) but still, I can't help but be pissed.
Another reason why I felt bad that I felt bad is because I was so sensitive again with Noli yesterday. While at the food square, I was telling the story about what happened with The Administrator (because he was on leave the day it happened). While I was talking, I noticed he kept looking at the passers-by. I was irritated again all right. And I stopped the story and almost left him there to eat on his own if only he didn't ask me if I think it would be better for me to leave him there.
Good thing though that we made up before lunch break came to an end.
Now do you understand why I feel bad about feeling bad? Because I feel sad so easily in situations that someone who's stronger than I am would be able to deal with without the kind of fuss that I go through. And how I always wish--and try--to be like that, someone who can still sweetly smile even when things get out of hand. Yes, I could laugh at those things right after I shed some tears, but can't it be that I don't have to cry anymore? Like my outlet won't be puffy-eye causing crying?
(If you've gone this far, wow, how patient of you. I could perfectly understand how bored you already are with all this ranting. But thanks if you did reach this part of the entry )
0 couldn't resist blurting something out
Got naked on Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Noli's not here at work today because he's not feeling well. And I feel bad about it, but I did see it coming. With the amount of sleep, or lack thereof, that he gets since this school year started, I was actually surprised that it took him this long to go catch his breath and rest.
With work and some little time together out of work, he often arrives home late. And in the morning, he has to wake up before his father's roosters in their backyard would even start crow. He sleeps less than six hours every night while I get to sleep more than the required 8. And guess what? In times that we go out, I'd be sleeping on his shoulder while he's wide awake the whole ride.
So I must be happy that he gets to relax at home at last, right? But I feel restless. I miss him so bad that I'm itching to go there. SMS and phone calls are just not enough.
I think that's bad. That's just bad.
Remember the saying about money? Like the more you have, the more you'll want for more (not in verbatim, okay)? What's clearly wrong with me is I'm like that. The more time I spend with him, the more I crave for his presence when we're not together, even if for just a day. I guess I've become that dependent.
And it scares me.
4 couldn't resist blurting something out
Got naked on Monday, October 04, 2010
I just had one of the most pleasant surprises in my life yesterday.
After losing it for more than a year, I got Noli's poem compilations back! I just can't believe it's with him now. He's treasured that for as long as I can imagine but I lost it some time last year together with my book.
Losing things is just so like me. But to lose something as important as that to him? Unforgivable. But he was so sweet that he didn't even get mad at me. He said he feels sad at times when he thinks about it but just that. He even told me that what's important is that I'm still with him and that he'd never lose me.
Still, I felt bad. It's not like I didn't do my part, you know?
I looked for the notebooks at the lost and found of La Salle last year but to no avail. Feeling so guilty, I went my way posting at various bulletin boards at the University if they found that notebook. Well, I got a response. Saying only that I shouldn't post something like that in their bulletin board. Blah.
So yesterday, I was about to have some forms signed when I passed by
Ate Ruby's office and she called me.
"Uy, Rhoda halika nga dito. May ibibigay ako sa'yo. Naalala kita eh kapag binabasa ko 'to"
"Ano po yun, Ate Ruby?"
And then she handed me the book which was about to be sold for Php20 (they sell lost items which remain unclaimed for more than a year).
I was like, "This is my book! Where did you get this? From SWAFO*? It has a notebook with this!"
I was half-shouting there and I didn't care. Ate Ruby went with me inside their office where more notebooks are stored in boxes, about to be sold. I described the book and told her those notebooks have poems. And she did confirm they even read what's inside. Ralph, her SA and my former student, arrived and said that they indeed were reading it. They even helped me rummage through the piles (thanks again :D).
I was so giddy I know it was scandalous. One of the directors even said, "Akala ko ano na nangyayari eh :)" I kept thanking Ate Ruby. She said that even if I didn't pass by that time, she would still give me the book that reminds her of me. Isn't that just rad?
And Noli was surprised himself :) I'm just so happy, happy, happy!
Another suprise this afternoon, Papa got his Mazda 3 back after more than a month of being confined in that worse-than-a-public hospital Mazda Makati. After tons of phone calls and loads of patience when dealing with insurance and Mazda people, we had our car back! Just in time before Papa flies to Germany on 17 ( a day short before their wedding anniversary :( )
I'm still so giddy, ecstatic even :)
I miss Noli, though, since I didn't go to work today. Good thing I'll see him tomorrow, can't wait! And can't wait for his exam on Sunday at my alma mater as well :)
Thank you so much, Father, for all these blessings. You really work in ways I can't imagine :)
SWAFO-Students Welfare and Formation Office
3 couldn't resist blurting something out
Got naked on Friday, October 01, 2010
Isn't he the sweetest?
He showed up at my corner with that delicate white flower in hand...
Since we kind of had a small argument last night, we started the day a little less sweeter than usual. Yes, we apologized to each other last night but only through sms and yes, we did eat lunch together but unlike the usual, there's this slight air of awkwardness. Even our few IP messages (which, again, is unsual) were kind of blah.
I tried to keep under his feet by forcing myself to avoid texting too much or sending IP messages. The day dragged on and I thought it would end that way.
And then he came to my (messy) corner with that small white flower in hand a few minutes before we get out of work. The look on his face while holding the delicate thing is just priceless.
Yes, he's given me boquets of flowers before-red, white, different colors- but so far, this one touched me the most despite the fact that he just picked it up somewhere in front of one of the college buildings at where we work.
Right then and there, I felt like my day was just starting.
He then went with me and my officemates at an ukay-ukay store in Imus (where Ms. Agnes bought a red trench coat for only Php50!) and ate street foods at the plaza there afterwards (which must be why my stomach is feeling odd right now that I think I have to rush to the CR right after I click publish :D). Poring over endless racks of clothes is definitely not his thing yet he went with us. He went with us despite the fact that his ride home would mean an hour or two at the road. He went with us even if he still has to wake up before 4 in the morning tomorrow for his 7am schedule.
I just thank God for a safe trip home :)
Now that we're apart again, I feel like I haven't seen him in a month of Sundays already...and I justcan't wait for tomorrow :)
1 couldn't resist blurting something out
Got naked on Tuesday, September 28, 2010