You got my question?

Really, how bad is it when you feel bad about feeling bad? Or, is it even bad to feel bad about feeling bad?

I hope you're not baffled yet, dear reader. I'm in an awful state of confusion right now so expect this entry to be perplexing. Now if you can't bear that, click exit and leave. Now.

Sometimes I ask God why He made me the extremely sensitive person that I am. Small stuff that some people say or do become magnified with my
most-of-the-time unreasonable paranoia. Or I ask Him why He made my tear glands extra active when I feel happy, sad, or mad (funny how these different feelings can evoke the same responses from almost everyone's tear glands, right? ).

I ask Him in times like last Tuesday. It was World Teachers' Day and we had this event at school. Our office had this steel truss stands where students wrote their messages to their teachers and have their pictures taken using the faces in the tarps with peep-through holes. I and my officemate, Ivan, were to oversee the installation of these stands a the venue. We encountered some problems with the location so we had to ask the very kind housekeepers to disassemble what they have just installed. Yep, they had to start again because of some orders from higher ups. With that, I take the blame since the 9x9 ft stand will really block the traffic at the gym a little. So despite my shame, I asked the kuyas to move them.

While we were already inside and the installation almost done, The Administrator arrived. Now let me give you a little background about The Administrator. He's known to be annoying for so many staff which is ironic because he is a Religious Education teacher. I had one friend who used to work for him tell stories about how he could be such a pain sometimes. Going back to The Administrator, he arrived and started to sniff.
"*sniff, sniff* Ano yung nangangamoy?"
"Baka po yung tarp?"
"Ay hindi yan pwede ikabit, magagalit si Brother."
"Eh sir hindi naman po maamoy eh"
(Lumapit yung guard. Inamoy yung tarp)
"Ay sir, ito nga po yun sir, nangangamoy nga" (I could almost see him kissing The Administrator's behind. ugh.)
"Sir, I don't think Brother will even smell that because that will be put up under the basketball ring and Brother always sits in front," I reasoned.
"Ay hindi pwede, hindi talaga pwede."

Now that got me. I just went outside for a while trying to contact our head but to no avail. And when I saw a secretary, the tears just automatically flowed down.
"Ate Dina, pinapatanggal ni Sir yung tarp"

To make it short, the dean of one of the colleges had to smell the tarp to check if the smell was really coming from it. And as expected, it didn't. The smell came from the sound systems blah blah. So after a few tears and a rudolf-the-red-nose-reindeer nose, we had it installed. Yay to that

My officemate told me it was obvious that I cried and that he could tell even from afar how irritated I was. I didn't mean it to be like that, I swear. It's just that I didn't want to get mad. I was trying to be as patient as I could muster but it didn't work I guess. I kept thinking that time that The Administrator was just trying to do his job (though in an exaggerated way at times) but still, I can't help but be pissed.

Another reason why I felt bad that I felt bad is because I was so sensitive again with Noli yesterday. While at the food square, I was telling the story about what happened with The Administrator (because he was on leave the day it happened). While I was talking, I noticed he kept looking at the passers-by. I was irritated again all right. And I stopped the story and almost left him there to eat on his own if only he didn't ask me if I think it would be better for me to leave him there.
Good thing though that we made up before lunch break came to an end.

Now do you understand why I feel bad about feeling bad? Because I feel sad so easily in situations that someone who's stronger than I am would be able to deal with without the kind of fuss that I go through. And how I always wish--and try--to be like that, someone who can still sweetly smile even when things get out of hand. Yes, I could laugh at those things right after I shed some tears, but can't it be that I don't have to cry anymore? Like my outlet won't be puffy-eye causing crying?

(If you've gone this far, wow, how patient of you. I could perfectly understand how bored you already are with all this ranting. But thanks if you did reach this part of the entry )