Exodus
I really can't picture myself reaching the old age no matter how much I try to rack my brain for that certain image. Stardust hair. Wrinkly skin. Forgetful. Weak. I really can't imagine me becoming like that. Don't get me wrong, okay? I know I have this tendency to be vain but no, it's not about vanity at all. It's just that the thought of growing old scares me out of my wits. There, I said it.
Growing old would usually mean no more late night out but aside from that, I don't like to grow old because I'm afraid that if I would, I would not be of much help anymore. I am fully aware that our grandparents these days are not useless. I'm talking about me. What if I would become ill? And what if I would acquire aphasia or Alzheimer's? I'm only twenty but I feel like I already have a bad case of memory gap. No kidding here. Like I'm already forgetful even if I'm this young. I would rather die than be a pest to those who love me enough to take care of me. I can't bear to be a burden to them. No. I just don't want that to ever happen. *cringe*
Whenever I imagine myself dead, the picture I always see is that of me in my late twenties or early thirties. I don't see myself beyond that anymore. I love the line 'I wanna grow old with you' but it's like yes, that sounds so romantic, but no, I don't know if I would ever really grow that old. I am enjoying my youth so much. Even more than you can imagine. Coward that I am, I just don't want to be weak and useless. I don't want my death to be caused by a chronic sickness where everyone, even myself, expects me to just die anytime soon. Or if I would be kept alive, my loved ones would be the one who would suffer. It's like death is something already given. Shallow that I may be but I'd rather not see the preparations they need to have for my death.
It's not that I'm scared of death; no, I'd be really glad to be with my heavenly Father. Or okay, I am. A little (I'm more concerned for those who I would leave behind). What I'm really scared of though is to actually feel it. To tell myself 'surprise, suprise. guess who's dying any moment now?'. To let that very fact seep through my bones would kill me more than any disease would. All those and much more. And I want to flee from them. I'm such a coward, aren't I?
