Death Means Heaven
I'm torn, I'm squished
I'm caught, confused
Help.
Can't breathe.
Or maybe I just don't want to.
Because I'm torn, I'm squished
I'm caught, confused
Salt.
As it flows.
I bit my lips.
Because I'm torn, I'm squished
I'm caught, confused
Tristful.
Am I?
My mouth is shut.
Because I'm torn, I'm squished
I'm caught, confused
Befuddled.
And it gets stronger.
As things start to unfold.
I'm more torn, more squished
I'm trapped, more confused
Isn't survival a torture?
Corn. Cheese. Mush. Part 2.
Brace yourself, okay? If you're not the one who digs romantic novels and stuff like that, well then you should go now. Fast. Now proceed at your own risk and don't tell me I didn't warn you. haha.
Anyway, Ralph and I celebrated our 6th anniversary last August. And I broke up with him on that same month. Yes I was stubborn enough to do that even if I know that I really love him.
I was stubborn enough to make him feel so broken. I was stubborn enough to risk losing him. I was stubborn enough to make them worried. I was stubborn. Period. Okay, you can forget the period and add crazy there.
Looking back, I don't know what really pushed me to do that. Lapse of proper judgment? Temporary insanity? Could be. All I know now though is that I'm more than thankful that we're back together now.
And I've never been this happy. I'm back with the person who sees me as beautiful even if my hair is so unruly that I could pass up for the role of Sisa effortlessly. I'm back with the person who never fails to knock me off my feet. I'm back with the person who keeps my feet off the ground.
Ralph. An ordinary name given to someone who does no ordinary things. I don't know why I love him, really. He's like a guy straight out of the pages of a fairy tale. He's got flaws but that makes him more...him. And maybe that's one thing that draws me to him. Or maybe it's because he's so passionate about his family. Maybe it's because it seems like he knows me more than I know myself. Maybe it's the way he could see through me. Maybe it's the way his eyes shine when he looks at his youngest brother and sister. Maybe it's how he holds my hand while intently looking at me before going home at midnight. Maybe it's how he was so understanding in those times I temporarily lost my sanity. Or maybe it's because he made me believe that those novels could happen in real life. That they could happen to us. Or maybe it's all those...and more.
From storybooks to catwalks
So, before I start venting here how irritating traffic was, let me just tell about something that I've been eying (and wanting so bad!) for so long.
Tada..gladiator sandals :)I first saw this in a fashion show (D&G I guess? Can't remember) way back last April and since then, I've always wanted one. I'm more for the laid back design though since it's more gladiator haha. I spotted one at Mall of Asia before but I didn't have the money then. When I came back though, the color that I want is gone. Zip. I'm stuck here in Cavite during weekdays so I can't find something that I really like. I would own a pair though before the year ends and I don't care if they would say it's already outdated. I'm not the kind who follow trends. I just want this so bad because I know what I really like when I see it :D Anyway, I'm just glad that after a long day at work and after 2 hours of travel, I'm finally off to bed.
Exodus
I really can't picture myself reaching the old age no matter how much I try to rack my brain for that certain image. Stardust hair. Wrinkly skin. Forgetful. Weak. I really can't imagine me becoming like that. Don't get me wrong, okay? I know I have this tendency to be vain but no, it's not about vanity at all. It's just that the thought of growing old scares me out of my wits. There, I said it.
Growing old would usually mean no more late night out but aside from that, I don't like to grow old because I'm afraid that if I would, I would not be of much help anymore. I am fully aware that our grandparents these days are not useless. I'm talking about me. What if I would become ill? And what if I would acquire aphasia or Alzheimer's? I'm only twenty but I feel like I already have a bad case of memory gap. No kidding here. Like I'm already forgetful even if I'm this young. I would rather die than be a pest to those who love me enough to take care of me. I can't bear to be a burden to them. No. I just don't want that to ever happen. *cringe*
Whenever I imagine myself dead, the picture I always see is that of me in my late twenties or early thirties. I don't see myself beyond that anymore. I love the line 'I wanna grow old with you' but it's like yes, that sounds so romantic, but no, I don't know if I would ever really grow that old. I am enjoying my youth so much. Even more than you can imagine. Coward that I am, I just don't want to be weak and useless. I don't want my death to be caused by a chronic sickness where everyone, even myself, expects me to just die anytime soon. Or if I would be kept alive, my loved ones would be the one who would suffer. It's like death is something already given. Shallow that I may be but I'd rather not see the preparations they need to have for my death.
It's not that I'm scared of death; no, I'd be really glad to be with my heavenly Father. Or okay, I am. A little (I'm more concerned for those who I would leave behind). What I'm really scared of though is to actually feel it. To tell myself 'surprise, suprise. guess who's dying any moment now?'. To let that very fact seep through my bones would kill me more than any disease would. All those and much more. And I want to flee from them. I'm such a coward, aren't I?
